Too Much
by GeneImperfect
Summary: A little Percy introspection piece. It's somewhere within the OOTP period, and Percy is thinking about some of the things he's done and choices he's made, and their possible implications. Please R&R!


"Too Much"  
Percy POV character piece  
  
It's the first time I ever felt this lonely  
I wish someone could cure this pain  
It's funny when you think it's gonna work out  
'Till you chose them over me, you're so lame  
  
I hated Hogwarts. I was so glad to graduate and finally leave that place. But now that I'm living on my own, with a real job in the real world, I know I've never felt more alone. I try to be sociable, even though I don't see the point except to get in good with the people who may someday promote me; perhaps being promoted, actually having control over some of the things I do instead of accepting every task they delegate to me with a passive displeasure, would make me happier. Not that anything could make me more miserable.  
  
I thought you were cool until the point  
Up until the point you didn't call me when you said you would  
Finally figured out you're all the same  
Always coming up with some kind of story  
  
I promised myself I'd get a good job at the Ministry when I left Hogwarts and support myself. I wouldn't cling to my family for support, nor to my friends. Of course the latter was not much of a choice, as I truly have none. And yet, here I am, wonderful job, working at the place I always wanted to work for, for the people I always wanted to work for, and I'm still unhappy. I'm perfectly successful, getting a job like I did so close to the top of the hierarchy, and only in my second year. Of course I'm still doing my fair amount of ingratiating smiles and "Yes sir"s, but that's simply the nature of things. One must follow before one can ever hope to efficiently lead.  
  
Every time I try to make you smile  
You're always feeling sorry for yourself  
And every time I try to make you laugh  
You can't, you're too tough,  
You think you'll look bad  
Is that too much that I'm asking for?  
  
Surely if I came to be Minister of Magic someday, my family would be proud. How long has it been since I felt that...? In fact I'm not completely sure that I've ever felt, known that my family or anyone is proud of me. I'm not proud of this; not yet. I still have a lot of work ahead of me before I can achieve my goals. And yet, I'm not proud even after having gotten this far in such a short period of time; who's to say I'll be happy with myself, truly proud, even when I achieve all of my goals? No matter what I do, there's always the lingering doubt inside me that whispers, almost seductively, that I know I'll always be a failure and I should just stop trying.  
  
Thought you'd come around when I ignored you  
Sort of thought you'd have the decency to change  
But babe I guess you didn't take that warning  
'Cause I'm not about to look at your face again  
  
There are days when I can honestly say I hate what I see when I look in the mirror. There are days when I feel I would very much like to never get out of bed, or fall asleep and never wake up. Not necessarily in a suicidal way, just in a tired way. No, I don't really want to die... never. It's just that, well, sometimes I just really don't have the energy to go on living either. If you can call me a living being. Sometimes when I look upon the face reflected on the glass, I wonder if I am truly alive. Or even alive at all. And yet, in spite of it all, I find myself getting out of bed every morning, getting dressed, and going to work as usual. Nothing has changed; I haven't changed. But that is not necessarily for the better.  
  
Can't you see that you're lying to yourself?  
You can't see the world through a mirror  
It won't be too late when the smoke clears  
'Cause I, I'm still here  
  
Yes, I go on. I continue living, or rather my mockery of life. I go through the motions, act my part, and I realize I'm doing exactly the same things I did yesterday. No one understands why I do this. It's probably because I've always been an actor, with no real substance to myself. You know how sometimes, when you hide something for too long, you forget where it is? Sometimes you even forget what it is. This is what happened to me. I've hidden myself for so long that by now there is probably nothing left. And I'm too weak to bother trying to put it all together again.  
  
But every time I try to make you smile  
You'd always go off feeling sorry for yourself  
And every time I try to make you laugh  
You'd stand like a stone, alone in your zone  
It was too much that I asked you for. 


End file.
